Saturday, October 14, 2006

First Official Post

Mike Celizic explains why Terrell Owens is a terrible quarterback, terrible wide receiver, and terrible person... all at the same time!!!

PHILADELPHIA - Not in my memory has any city welcomed back a former player with as much frenzied animosity as Philadelphia rolled out for Terrell Owens on Sunday.

Well then, you have a pretty bad memory. Pedro returned to Fenway, Johnny Damon returned to Fenway, Shaquille returned to L.A. … all within the last three years.

And when the day was done, the Eagles showed why they were wise to cut him loose in mid-season last year, while Owens left little doubt that, if things continue the way they are, the Cowboys will quickly learn how foolish they were to think he could help them.

The only reason it looked like it was “wise to cut him loose” was because Donovan McNabb played a very good football game. The only reason Owens only caught 3 passes, or whatever he caught, is because Drew Bledsoe played a very bad football game. But then again, Owens didn’t help the Eagles at all, who are we kidding. Honestly, who cares about making the Super Bowl, it’s all about winning!

If this was a battle between Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, the target of Owens’ wrath last year, and the most self-celebrated wide receiver in the history of the game, then McNabb won.

Well, it wasn’t a battle between McNabb and Owens. That’s not the way football works, Mike. See, there’s this thing called “defense” that plays against the other team’s “offense.” Donovan McNabb is a “quarterback” and Owens is a “wide receiver” as you so aptly state. Both of those “positions” play “offense.” So McNabb and Owens aren’t even on the “field” (a rectangular region composed of “grass”) at the same time! Okay, okay, I’ll give you a few minutes to take that in. Join us next week for “special teams”!

The Eagles are just fine without T.O., and the Cowboys aren’t with him.

Yes, that’s because the Cowboys have this dude named Drew Bledsoe. Who has a career passer rating of 77.3.

The battle between McNabb and Owens

, which was invented by members of the media such as yourself,

wasn’t as much a contest as the game itself, which the Eagles won, 38-24,

Won! Ooh!

the final seven points coming on a 102-yard interception return by Lito Sheppard with time nearly expired.

Yeah! If Owens hadn’t been on the team, Lito Sheppard would have had three interception returns for TD’s!

Owens showed a lot of frustration on the field, but he didn’t get into any sideline fights with coaches or teammates. Don’t worry, though, that will come if the Cowboys continue to play as they did Sunday.

Not if they win though!

The first hint came after the game, Owens, who was smiling from ear to diamond-studded ear, let it be known that he’s a team guy and wasn’t going to point fingers at anyone.

I hear there’s this thing you can do after writing your articles. It’s called “proofreading.” Look into it some time.

But he invited the media to watch the game films to see for themselves who was responsible for his team’s missed opportunities. The inference may as well have been forged in neon letters 20 feet high — Cowboy quarterback Drew Bledsoe blew it.

Yes, the thing is that he didn’t say that Drew Bledsoe blew it. So by subtly insinuating something, Owens made sure he wasn’t “ruining clubhouse chemistry,” “creating tension,” “making a fire,” “adding to the fire,” or any of those other things.

Adding to the fire,

when T.O. was running off the field after the game, he was loudly asking why the Cowboys bothered to sign him, an unnamed stadium employee said, according to the Associated Press.

“Unnamed” stadium employee, eh?

Owens clearly enjoyed the invective and boos the home crowd directed at him, saying that he thought it could have been worse.

Yes, and he did this instead of being bitter and fighting back and throwing back insults. So… it was a good thing. That… you portray as a bad thing.

But the game was another matter.

Because of that guy with a 77.3 passer rating.

He was shut out in the first half by an Eagles’ defense

Mr. 77.3 passer rating was shut out in the first half, that is correct.

that was bound and determined not to let him beat it, and finished the game catching three passes from his soon-to-be-former best buddy Bledsoe for 45 yards and no touchdowns.

Oh, no no no, it’s time for your next lesson on “football” I see. The person called the “quarterback” does what is called “throwing passes.” Basically, this consists of “throwing” the “football” to a “receiver” such as Mr. Owens. Said “receiver” “catches” the “ball” and is “tackled” by a “cornerback” (more on this another “time.” Er sorry, forget the quotes on that last) If you’ve followed me so far, you would understand that for a “receiver” to “catch” the “ball,” the “quarterback” has to throw the “ball” to a catchable location. Which 77.3 Man did not “do.”

He dropped at least three others and was badly underthrown on two more, both of which were picked off by the Eagles.

Oh my god. You think that Bledsoe’s interceptions were Terrell Owens’ fault. I really don’t know what to say. You are really testing my teaching abilities, Mike.

McNabb, who last year wasn’t worthy of occupying the same huddle with the great and powerful T.O., finished with 354 yards passing, three touchdowns and no interceptions.

Great job, keep repeating McNabb’s accomplishments a million times. They really prove why Owens is bad.

He also ran for another TD.

Yep. Owens’ fault.

It’s safe to say he doesn’t miss Owens in his huddle.

Definitely, I mean which quarterback wants a 5 time Pro-Bowler in his huddle anyway. It’s all about winning!

The win lifted the Eagles’ record to 4-1, their only loss coming via an epic fourth-quarter collapse against the Giants. The Cowboys, who have already had their bye week, dropped to 2-2.

I am getting really tired of having to mention 77.3 Man every other sentence.

Owens is trying as best he can to pretend to be a team player. “We win as a team, and we lose as a team,” is one of the clich├ęs he threw out, all of which he constructed using the pronoun “we” instead of “I” or “me.”

How come guys like Tom Brady and Troy Polamalu can make statements identical to the one above and be hailed as “golden boys” and “catalysts of the advancement of the National Football League,” while Owens just gets called a “pretender”?

You could almost see his tongue cramping up as he worked it around the unfamiliar words.

Or maybe… he was just “thirsty.” Like, you know, when your “mouth” is “dried” up?

But it was clear he wasn’t happy with the way he was used during the game, which wasn’t a great deal.

That’s because he’s a great player, and he wasn’t used.

He talked about the team missing a lot of opportunities.

That’s because 77.3Man missed opportunities.

He was asked whether one of those took place in the fourth quarter, when he broke behind the Eagle defense near the goal line only to see Bledsoe’s attempt at a high fade fall short into Sheppard’s arms.

That’s because one of those did take place in the fourth quarter when he broke behind the Eagle defense near the goal line only to see Bledsoe’s attempt at a high fade fall short into Sheppard’s arms.

“I felt I was open,” he said, finally hauling out the first person singular of which he is so fond.

Uh. When one talks about oneself, one generally uses first person singular. If he used third person, or something, that would’ve been kind of weird… “Yeah, that black dude was open in the back of the end zone and he didn’t get thrown the ball. He’s mad.”

“There were opportunities for me to make some plays.”

And opportunities for “him” as well.

Asked who was responsible for missing those chances, Owens played coy. “You watched the game,” he said, inviting the media to decide for themselves “who’s pulling the trigger?”

Come on, Mike! I think you’ve learned a lot today! You can do it! Who’s pulling the trigger in a “football” game?

That would be Bledsoe,

Yeah! A+!

who, Owens is discovering, isn’t nearly the quarterback McNabb is.

Interestingly, if you had made this argument at the beginning, your article would have actually been valid. Instead, you decided to talk about “McNabb vs. Owens” and all the interceptions Owens “threw.”

Asked about Owens again, [Bledsoe] added, “Terrell, he was good all week.”

That’s his pattern. He’s “good,” which is to say he doesn’t pop off and doesn’t create problems, until enough games go by when he doesn’t get as many touches as he feels he should.

… I would define “good” in terms of how well he plays football, not how much he complains. Maybe that’s just me.

By game’s end, he was still trying to be good, but the cracks were showing. There was that talk about somebody not hitting him with the big pass when he was wide open. Wonder who that could be?

Oooh! Sarcasm! Man, this article has everything in it!

“Maybe I need to work a little harder,” he said. “I feel I’m in the best shape I’ve been in. My game speed is coming.”

But the touchdowns and catches aren’t coming.

Because Drew Bledsoe is his quarterback.

And the Super Bowl isn’t looking as close after four games as it did before the season started.

Because Drew Bledsoe is his quarterback.

A lot of teams have rallied from 2-2 starts, so the Cowboys aren’t in desperate straits. But they’ve got a time bomb dressing in their locker room. His number is 81 and his favorite person is himself. And he’s not pointing fingers at his teammates.

No his number is 11 and his name is Drew Bledsoe.

He just wants you to watch the game film and decide for yourself.

That Drew Bledsoe sucks.

Good luck, Dallas. You’re going to need it.

Yes, with Drew Bledsoe as your quarterback you definitely will.

Mike Celizic is a contributor to and a freelance writer based in New York.

Congratutions! You’ve graced the first article of Fire Bill Walton, and now you’ve graced the first article of Fire John Madden too!

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